Dudley Do-Wrong and the Yankee in London

Piccadilly Circus, 2004 -- I made it in one piece!

Yaaaaay! I arrived safely into Heathrow Airport! My plane ride, smooth and most of my fears about flying quieted by my faithful companion, Jack Daniel’s®. 🙂 If only going through customs had been equally as pleasant; Instead of the “Where are you going?” inquiry that I received with suspicion from airport security in New York,  I was now getting from the “unwelcome wagon”, also known as a disgruntled, female immigration officer, “Why are you here, in the United Kingdom?” I responded, “To find a date” (I really was going to say that my search was for a “husband”, but thought, she might consider that some sort of illegal ploy to stay in her country.) She then gave me the “stink-eye of death” and let me pass (the WRETCH).

(So, anyway…)

Trafalgar Square

I happily hopped into a humongous cab that could’ve probably held my old studio apartment in Spanish Harlem and jetted off to my hotel, located of off “The Strand“, a historical street in the borough of Westminster.

In the lobby of the hotel, waiting to greet me, was an amorous, Italian concierge, with the temperament of “Pepe Le Pew“, who would keep offering his “personal assistance” by way of my hotel room… undoubtedly wanting more than a tip.

SORRY!

I arrived to my tiny boudoir, and scooted around the foot of the twin bed that was longer than the length of the wall, connected to the front door. I wasn’t completely fazed by the Lilliputian accomodations because I only needed a place to rest my head at night. With that, I did take a brief nap to refresh myself for my first, face-to-face visit with cyber-love interest. 

If memory serves me correctly, I waited and waited… and WAITED. He was late which -normally- would be okay for someone, such as myself, alway on “island time”, but at this point, I was starting to think that I had gotten stood up, in a majorly humiliating, “long-distance PUNK’d” kind of way.  

Then, 40 minutes later, there he was (we’ll briefly call him “H. Grant” (The “Grant” part is silent.) 

My male suitor from UK.Match.com… the one who had captivated me enough for a four-month courtship, now, literally rolling in on his skateboard with an annoyingly smug smirk across his mouth, that neighbored an excessively potruding jaw and chin to champion Jay Leno’s… an obvious lovechild of “Dudley Do-Right” and Chris Martin of “Coldplay“.

His arrogant, unapologetic entrance into my life would be a foreshadowing of the doomed events to come which would get me to ponder about all of the inspiration† that had lead me to that point and could only think–

Dudley Do– I had been waiting for YOU!!!? If Seal only knew. UUGGGHHH… >:/

(*For the sake of minimum aggravation, I’ll refer to the punk by said pseudonym for the rest of the piece… I can’t afford a lawyer {rolling my eyes}.)

Initially, I’d downplay the failed liaison in an email to my long-time friend and former colleague, Christina (minus the pictures):

Date: Wednesday, February 25, 2004, 6:48 PM

“thanks to the kindness of random strangers, i partied every night for a week and would get back to the hotel at like 6:30am (unfortunately
alone…though i had some great opportunities; an italian concierge guy, englishman: wall street type and his two cute colleagues, iranian security/ bouncer “men in black” type from a club, chocolate security, etc…all would let me in the clubs for free). was even walked back to my hotel
(twice) in the middle of the night by some of the guys, who were perfect
gentlemen. i know it was risky, but i went with my instincts and had a safe time. very cool. i suppose the saying that ‘God takes care of fools and  small children’ has a lot of truth to it.

i also made some friends with these artsy punker types, etc…oh yeah met two match.com guys. H… *Dudley Do, my former obsession, turned out to be somewhat
geeky, and real CHEAP. i totally made him look good for being with me. the
other was very nice, but not my type either. i suppose they’re nice enough
to keep as friends. the latter is too far out from london anyway, so
doesn’t matter. however, cheap-ass H... *Dudley Do is still an independent film maker, so i won’t completely burn that bridge.”

♦♦♦

That peaceful outlook didn’t last much longer after my original correspondence; I’d begin to “sit and stew” about what really happened, quickly snuffed out any flame that had ignited prior to our meeting and go fullblast in a follow-up message.

♦♦♦

The charged e-mail to my friend, Christina {“F-BOMBs” were crossed out to protect the innocent:}

Date: Thursday, February 26, 2004, 11:09 AM

“the more i think about cheap-ass H… *Dudley-Do, the less i want to deal with him, period. do you know that i even got him a souvenir? it was some funky new york…aka…zoo york skate boarding t-shirt because i know he’s really into that sport…and he couldn’t even buy me lunch…not because he was broke, but stingy. he ate half the appetizer HE ordered for me, knowing i wasn’t real hungry from my flight…you know the one where i flew 4000 miles or so to see his sorry ass? i also had a glass of wine. when the check came, it was like 24 pounds. i asked if he needed any help, and he was like, “yeah, i’ll give you cash, and you can pay the rest with your credit card.” wasn’t that fuckin‘ nice of him to offer my credit card? i then took out cash. i was very buzzed from the plane ride, and still not acquainted with their money, so he grabbed a ten i had, to pay for the rest of the check, way more than the worth of  what i actually consumed.
mind you, i don’t mind being the independent female who pays her way, but there was just something tacky about the whole scenario of being a visitor in his country, where the pound is so much stronger than the little money i had (which i told him i’d be broke for the next two days), and he couldn’t even be a gentleman. what topped it off was when i agreed to still see him the following evening. he took me to a cool bar, with a clubby feel to it. he ordered our drinks, his non-alcoholic, mine jack and soda or something. i was like, oh this is nice, he’s actually buying me a drink. maybe, yesterday was just the preliminary test. ~whatever~.

Bizarre (but Cool) Exhibit in the Dark within Tate Modern Museum - London - 2004

i was growing more bored with his geeky ass, which i was really trying to find something sexy past his kermit the frog, asexual exterior. he was then like maybe he should get an alcoholic beverage (maybe to loosen him up?)…so, i was naturally supportive of this idea. he then turns to me and says, “so, i’ll have a such and such”…placing his (now more expensive) drink order with me so i will go pay for it!!!!!!!!

Bizarre (but Cool) Exhibit in the Dark within Tate Modern Museum - London - 2004 - (Perhaps, an interpretation of our lives on Mars?)

to avoid beating him to death, i decide to just get his drink, and order myself a long island ice tea, to numb the pain. he then says that my drink looks good, so takes the extra straw sitting in it, and takes a sip. after he finished his, he gets another straw, and takes another swig out of my fuckin‘ drink again!!!!! can you say, “TACKY!!!!”!!!!? it wasn’t like it was a romantic date where he was welcomed to do that. …and i’m so disgusted that he didn’t even wait for me to offer to buy him his weak-ass girlie drink. thank the lord, i was able to get him to drop me at a club, where i encountered some REAL men who new how to treat me like a lady…and i didn’t fly over to meet them!!!

would it be wrong of me to carbon copy this message to his sorry mailbox? i’m really itching to do so! i should behave…he did give me a mini-tour of the Tate Museum, and a Time Out London magazine after all.

♦♦♦

Look out for ChocolateGeisha to spill the sake on more European adventures in the near future.

Kisses!

©2011 Heidi Rodney-Nakanishi and ChocolateGeisha Spills the Sake!™              All images are copyrighted by their respective authors.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Marsha
    Sep 17, 2011 @ 22:26:32

    You really do need to publish your writings. Heidiliscious is quite entertaining!!!

    Reply

  2. Cathy
    Sep 20, 2011 @ 17:23:37

    Yikes! I’m glad you didn’t waste any more time on this asshole!

    Reply

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© 2010-2015 Heidi Rodney-Nakanishi and ChocolateGeisha Spills the Sake!™ All images are copyrighted by their respective authors.
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